Status Update

I sought pardon,

For my sins,

In lives gone by,

And this existence.

I found refuge,

In temples, mosques,

Monasteries and churches.

In mountains and caves,

In rainforests in the heart of darkness.

Rituals and ceremonies,

To appease the higher power,

Whichever name you choose to ascribe.

The tests and struggles that everyone faces!

Either makes them stronger or breaks them down.

Every single time when I hit trough bottom.

I fought, for I believed, I had a chance.

An obligation to survive, because I was accountable to my mother.

To make her world and life as happy as possible.

Today, as I observe her in a drug-induced stupor.

We fight ailments known and unknown.

I am powerless to help her,

All I can do is to take her to hospitals.

Follow medication and diets as prescribed.

Still there is no clear solution.

No proper answers, the battle,

For a good night’s sleep,

Was lost long ago!

I keep my eyes shut tight.

But the ears remain steady,

Waiting for the slightest moan or cry.

I don’t know what I have turned into.

A robot who mechanically,

Continues to go about his chores.

My employers have been patient.

Helping in anyway possible.

Friends, a handful, call or message.

Fragments of a family scattered around the world.

A few good souls still keep in touch.

What lies next? I don’t know,

The charade of positivity,

Of hope and good things,

All remain mere masks.

I hope I find answers.

I hope things change, for the better.

I have just one reason left,

To continue this struggle.

As that reason too, disintegrates,

Bit-by-bit, cell-by-cell.

The tunnel of darkness,

Seems to beckon me.

If tomorrow comes.

We shall meet again.

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A Moment in Time

What is beauty?

Is it the one that the eyes view,

Of skin that’s flawless,

In various shades,

Of eyes that convey,

A hundred tales.

Of a smile,

That hides a hundred sorrows.

What is beauty?

Is it the physical strength,

That is able to bear,

Every burden that’s thrust on it?

Be it as a brother, son, father or husband, boy-friend or partner,

Or as a daughter, sister, mother, wife, girl-friend or partner.

Where does one seek beauty?

In words, in deeds, in what?

Can you measure the beauty of a mother’s love for her child?

When a soldier away from friends and family,

Lies bleeding on the war-front as he wages a battle!

Can you measure that patriotic fervour?

Isn’t that a wonderful form of beauty in itself?

Have you ever held a puppy in your arms?

When the puppy looks into your eyes,

Your heart melts and you feel an inner joy,

As the puppy licks your face!

Can you even describe the beauty,

Of that one wonderful moment?

When you seek to find a soul-mate,

And he/she says “Yes”!

That one magical moment,

When two souls agree to become one!

Can you describe the ‘beauty’ of that one moment?

When as a friend, you make that ultimate sacrifice,

You know your friend will never manage,

To handle rejection and you help orchestrate,

A new bond between him and the one,

Whom you loved, but could never express!

Is that beauty or bloody foolhardiness?

Time they. say heals a lot of wounds,

So isn’t time beautiful??

How do you measure ‘beauty’?

Can you handle the death of a loved one?

Move on, forgive those who wronged you,

Live on without regrets or malice?

Isn’t that beauty?

What is beauty??

 

 

 

Sleep

There she lies on the bed,
The gentle rhythmic,
Breathing indicates that she’s fine.
I wonder, when was the last time,
That I slept without nightmares,
That keep plaguing me?

At times, there’s a sustained pause.
She mutters incoherently,
In the drug-induced sleep.
I wake up and sit,
For a while,
And then again lie down.
Nothing lasts forever!
Good or bad – we move on!

Blessed are those,
Who can fall asleep,
Without a pill,
Without a worry,
Without nightmares plaguing them.
Another sunrise, another battle,
In this city of fire,
In the hope of a better tomorrow,
We forge on….

The Last Bout

I saw him today,
One in a crowd,
Of endless humanity,
Going about its chores.
17 years have gone by.

It was the day,
I called it quits,
And bid adieu,
To the boxing ring.

He wanted me to throw,
Away a bout,
The money was good,
I could have crossed over!

I just let it go,
Stayed true to myself,
Gave it my best shot,
Seven rounds – nothing conclusive.

That day something,
Broke within me,
When the judges were bought,
A verdict that was bitter.

I just let it go,
I walked away,
As he smiled a crooked smile,
I was disgusted at the system.

Disgusted at myself,
I thought I had made,
Peace with myself,
And quit the arc-lights.

Today I saw him,
Standing on the subway,
Wasted and lost,
The typical ‘druggie’.

He reeked of cheap alcohol,
The eyes had a hollow gloom,
He was begging for alms,
The bravado was gone the snicker no longer there!

As I put a coin,
Into his begging bowl,
For a moment I stared into his eyes,
I think he recognized me!

For his face turned red,
He just muttered a curse,
And walked away!
You know the saddest part?

I think he in his penury,
Is content and happy,
While I still chase my inner demons,
Every single day and night!

That my dear friends,
Is the irony of Life!!
No fame no name!
Just some faded memories!!!

Adieu!!!

Suddenly the year,
Seems to be coming,
To an eventual close,
Nothing has changed,
The monotony, the pain,
The illness and sadness,
The empty void and the longing,
Like a frame perenially,
Stuck in deep focus mode,
Life goes on!!

From here to where?
From there to where?
As lost and puzzled,
As dejected and depressed,
As always with the stoic calm,
The wonderful mask, that comes handy.
I don it now with practised ease.
In fact, the transitions are smooth.
One more year is all set to end.
Friends old and new,
Memories some good and bad,
Life goes on!!

The writing is aimless.
The thoughts disjointed.
Day by day, I wait.
Counting my moments.
Holding on to life,
With a gentle prayer.
Believing that my role,
Here is yet to play out.
Everything could come down crashing,
One moment – one truth!
And curtains it is!!!!

Adieu!!!

Of Weighty Issues

When I was young,
I was the thinnest,
Skinniest child in the family,
In school, I used to be mocked,
There used to be snide comments,
That I would fly away,
At the mildest gust of a wind.

As the years grew by,
And I battled and cheated death,
Multiple times,
The medicines took their toll,
I look at old pictures of mine,
The boxer, the footballer,
Then I look at my reflection,
Now in the mirror.

The reflection mocks me,
Like Marlon Brando,
In “On the Waterfront”
I wonder – “I could have been a contender!”
Now I look fatter than the fattest bartender.
I am never one for these fad diets and all.
I am not a binge eater either,
Nor a fan of chocolates or icecreams.

New years come and Christmases go,
Resolutions are made and broken,
With the silver strands of hair,
Gaining prominenece on my head,
The waist not getting any slimmer,
The bones ache,
The knees hurt,
The back stoops,
I am transforming into a crazy,
Hunch-backed ogre from an old vampire tale!

Where do I go from here?
The heart feels old,
The mind is lost in its complex web,
The body keeps stressing,
That it is tired.
At times, I wonder of choices made,
In the distant past!
There is no regret, no gloom,
No joy or no pain!

I take solace in the fact,
That Po the Panda,
Was annointed the Dragon Warrior!
So I guess, I still have hope!