Growing up was not that aware of Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, etc… The advertising blitzkrieg with the growth of cable television and liberalization saw us aping the West and a lot of new events became a part of our calendar. I have a vague recollection of seniors at school being caned for celebrating Valentine’s Day and there was a hue and cry with a speech by the Principal in the Assembly Hall – to keep all such tomfoolery outside the school campus.
As always, I digress, this is becoming a regular problem, as I am not able to keep one line of thought going with a clear structure or being consistent in writing. After winning prizes throughout college for creative writing, for me to fail like this again and again, getting rebuked everywhere that my writing sucks, I have had to rethink a lot. Creative and Business Writing are two different things. At the crossroads again, I wonder what next??? Another change in thoughts… let me write about what I wanted to…
Those who have read this blog regularly or know me in person, know about my life, how my father chose to alienate himself from us. The sheer number of advertisements for Father’s Day and social media platforms full of celebratory posts, videos, memes, and photos made me think a lot yesterday. What all have I lost in this life? What all did I gain? The absence of a father in the most formative years of my life, crippled me to a great extent. Whatever I am today is by the grace of my mother and the benevolence of my two maternal uncles. I am forever grateful to them for all they have done for me.
My current read is the English translation of “Niraakarana – The Refusal” by Dr. S.L. Bhyrappa, translated by Arjun Bharadwaj and S.L. Shanthakumari. The principal character is Narahari. He goes through a lot in his life. Widowed twice, father to five young children, and completely at a loss to handle them. The story takes twists and turns as he gives up the children for adoption and becomes a monk. The story goes through more emotional turns and is a deep study of the human mind and relationships. In my father, I see the escapism that he preferred, running away, again and again, with no interest in fulfilling his duties. All my life, I have been scared that I do not end up like him. I have consciously tried to carve out my own identity and thought process. But now, I genuinely think, I am entering into the trap of the ‘escapist’. My inability to hold a job properly, disorganized self, inability to speak for myself, finding the easy way out, not arguing, not being assertive, the reflection in the mirror seems to mock me. Somewhere in the dark corners of my mind, I can hear him snigger and mock me.
I have tried to find a father and a mother in the elderly people I meet, I have been blessed to find such people, and life goes on. I can’t run, I can’t escape, I have to face my darkest fears head-on, and make sure that I don’t turn into my father. I am a better person. I have to be a better person.
Happy Father’s Day
Teerthadanam 