With great difficulty, found a place for the three kittens. Am hoping that they are safe. Their mother Billu still chooses to visit the open landing area and roam about. Mews to demand attention and treats. The plants are recovering now thanks to the absence of the kittens. Need to get new plants and pot them to replace the old plants that were destroyed. Some more rains and I hope to put up some more plants.
Professionally, life is going through a roller-coaster ride at this moment. Really hoping that things improve, taking some steps to define a process, and improve at what I am doing, day-in and day-out to earn a living. Need to see how things shape up from here.
Amma’s tithi rituals were completed peacefully under the guidance of a priest. Thankful. One ‘drishti’ talisman broke as I was completing the rituals and fell down. Took it as a sign and removed it. Lot of changes happening all around. Need to be aware, keep my eyes open, and ignite zest and focus into my life.
Read some books, saw some movies on OTT, movies were so-so. Books were quite good. The Autobiography of God by Lenaa Kumar is a thought-provoking read. Highly recommended.
I believe that whatever happens, happens for the good. This moment, I am grateful for all the abundance around me, and the blessings received. The next step or chapter in this journey will again be for the better. See you soon. Take care.
When Mukundan got up the next morning, he had a clear idea in his mind in terms of what he wanted to do. After a bath and breakfast, he went to the place where Sumithra used to sell fruits. She was there, he spoke to her and conveyed the previous day’s events. She was happy to hear that the two women were safe.
Mukundan then said that he was leaving for Chennai and would be back soon. He handed Sumithra some money and said. Let it be there, it will be helpful. Once I am back, there’s a lot to speak.
Mukundan took the passenger train to Coimbatore and from there boarded a bus. By 10 PM he was back to his house. He looked at the house its belongings, the framed photo of Alfred, the gramophone record player, the library, there were a lot of memories associated with this house.
The next morning he visited his school, the principal was surprised. Mukundan narrated a brief summary of all that had transpired, he said, “I would like to spend the rest of my life in Kerala with my stepmother and sister, I would like to be relieved from my role.” The principal understood Mukundan’s request and said, “We are losing a good teacher, but family comes first, submit the letter, I will handle the paper-work, good luck Mukundan!”
Mukundan then called up Rajesh. After the initial pleasantries, Mukundan said, “Rajesh, I am going to relocate to Kannur, can you get me the help of a house-broker and arrange a house for me in the town, if it is closer to Sheelu’s college, even better?” Rajesh replied, “Yes, will get it done, I will keep you informed.”
A week later
It was an independent house, spacious with a garden at the front, coconut and guava trees, and a bunch of flowering plants, there was a well and a dedicated washing area as well. Mukundan had transferred the advance amount and asked Rajesh to collect the house keys. Then he reached Kannur and facilitated the shifting of his mother and sister’s meagre belongings and set up the house. His mother and sister were immensely happy.
Mukundan then told his mother about Sumithra and Lekha. He explained to her that he wanted to marry Sumithra and secure her and Lekha’s future as well. His mother agreed wholeheartedly. A week later, there was a simple wedding at the Vilvadrinathan Temple in Thiruvilvamamla, Gangadharan, some neighbours of Sumithra, Rajesh, and Mukundan’s mother and sister were in attendance. When Mukundan had asked Sumithra to marry him, she had broken into tears, the tears gave way to relief, and she hugged him. It was young Lekha who was the cynosure of all eyes as she saw her mother getting married to the new uncle who had got her toys and dresses. She was also happy.
They all lived together in the new house in Kannur. Mukundan found a job as a teacher in a school run by the Franciscan brothers, his stellar academic records, and letter of recommendation from the principal of his previous school secured the job for him. Thus Mukundan, the boy who ran away, returned as a man, took control of his life, found his lost family-members, found the love of his life, and began to live life with happiness and joy!
Purpose and meaning in life are strange terms, one may find it by chance, one may already have found it and never know, or one may keep searching for it and never find it. Like Mukundan, your time may also come, find a reason to be happy, do good, it comes back to you manifold.
Image by Freepik
Let there be light and bloom where you are planted!
When I landed at Madras Central Station on May 1, 1998 with my mother after a long train journey in a normal sleeper class compartment, little did I know that the subsequent years would be a roller-coaster of emotions and that my father would leave the two of us to script our own story against all odds. I also did not know that eventually, this city would consume my mother, and I would end up immersing her ashes in the ocean in one secluded corner of a beach.
This city has given me everything, an education, jobs, limited but good friends, and a lifetime’s worth of memories. In 10 days from now, I will be saying goodbye to this beautiful city. It is difficult for me to process all the emotions that are playing through in my mind. I still have my house here and my collection of books all neatly packed and stored in crates and cupboards. The house will stay locked and secure. Hopefully, rats don’t cause damage, and I will perhaps get to visit the house once in a few months.
Before I leave, want to visit my dear friend Kapali at Mylapore once, if possible, spend some time at Besant Nagar Beach, and visit the Chennai Book Fair. Perhaps catch one of the Pongal releases and hoot and howl like the other fans.
Life goes on… Here’s waiting for the next adventure to begin. God bless, stay happy, keep smiling. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Sai Ram.
Last month I turned 40. A significant milestone for a baby that many thought would not survive and the doctor just took a chance to slap the baby’s buttock gently to see if there was life in it. Over the course of this eventful life, would have cheated death four times. Each time more complex than the other and somehow by the grace of God and consulting physicians, I made it so far.
Have always been the person who would be prompt in wishing an online acquaintance on their birthday or anniversary. Friends and relatives in real life too would always marvel at me remembering dates and wishing them.
Last year, I decided to delete my Facebook and Instagram accounts, as I was spending way too much time on them and it was turning into an addiction of sorts. Restricting myself to Twitter for any major updates, it has served me well. What I realized that being absent on the two major social media networks resulted in the sum total of exactly seven people wishing me on my birthday. Of these three were my sister, my younger maternal aunt, and my elder maternal uncle.
So, I was wondering if social media is a diary of sorts that helps people remember dates and helps them wish acquaintances / friends on their significant days? Don’t know. Perhaps yes! Who knows, people may just wonder, what’s the point in wishing this guy, it will just lead to more conversations, why to waste valuable time! No complaints at all. Just observations on how Facebook has become such a big element of the lives of people.
So what did I do? I took a train to Bengaluru, attended a book launch, met my friend T.G. Shenoy, the good folks at the Bookworm store, and then stayed at my childhood friend from Calcutta’s house. He has now settled in Bengaluru. He surprised me with a birthday cake. It was completely unexpected and it made me emotional, as I thought of our shared childhood. Of playing gully cricket, our obsession with the LBW rules, intense dislike for Maths, love for puchka, rolls, and cutlets, and watching cricket matches on the old Keltron TV at our Behala house. Somehow those memories will always stay in our minds.
Bought a lot of books at Bookworm, also visited Blossom and got some books, returned home the next day, again by train. I was wondering if a post titled “40 Lessons on Turning 40” would be worth it, but then I decided against it. Every journey is unique, lessons that I learnt may not apply to you and vice-versa.
Grateful for everything. A job that helps pay the bills, food to eat, books to read, movies to watch, life goes on.
They say “Life begins at 40.” Let us see what changes this year brings in its course. Excited, curious, hopeful, and grateful for everything that is meant to happen.
Wishing all the readers and algorithmic page crawlers a Happy New Year 2022. Hopefully we begin to learn to live with the plague that is finding new forms to enslave us.
After about 3 plus years of living in a rented flat in the city am returning to the village. Does not make any more sense to continue bleeding from a depleting bank account and paying an EMI and rent and maintenance for two separate places. At Happinest, I tried to find happiness, all I found was pain, which compounded further, as I lost my mother after a long battle. Every time I hoped that I would save Amma and bring her back home; but this last time, I had resigned to my fate. I knew that the end was near. If I were to look back at this period here; I could only gain lessons in the mortality of us humans. I underwent hospitalization for a critical illness, got operated, and for more than a year; there was a constant fear that the tumor would return with a malignant curse. At this juncture, I am safe. Am happy to be alive and hold a job. The city has given a lot and also taken a lot. Memories are mixed. Little brother’s wedding, celebrating festivals, traveling in the rains for a friend’s daughter’s first birthday celebrations; small vestiges of happiness, which will be stored in a corner of the brain.
From the village, a few months further down the year, I will again move somewhere else. I don’t know yet. Maybe Thiruvanamalai, or Kashi, or Rishikesh; far away from the madness that keeps rearing up within. Some kind of clarity or purpose in life, which keeps remaining hidden. How long do I keep wandering? It is said that the disciple only finds the Master when he/she is destined to meet the Enlightened One. Perhaps, this year, I will find my Master. Who knows…?
In a month’s time, I will hit 40. How quickly have the last five years flown by. Everything is just a blurry kaleidoscope of emotions. As the clock keeps ticking, it is a reminder of my own mortality, the limited time that’s left. Hopefully the year brings joy and clarity of purpose and I am able to execute my thoughts and ideas into action.
Till we meet again, be safe, stay happy, God bless!
May 1, 1998, the day I landed in Madras Central Station with my mother. Bag and baggage we arrived, giving one last shot at reconciliation with my estranged father.
Just how much has changed in these 21 years?
My mother is no more. My father with whom I never had any paternal love abandoned us nearly eight years ago.
School, college, part-time jobs, full-time jobs, tenant, house-owner, loan-taker from the bank, tenant again, so many adjectives have added on to describe oneself. At a point in time, one realizes that perhaps one needs to hit the ‘reboot’ button. I have always stated that Madras made me a man even when I was a boy / teenager. After having lost the one person who mattered the most to me. A house that I bought just to keep her happy now remains locked like a museum of memories. This city now is full of memories that in hindsight only bring pain or artificial comfort.
It is time to bid goodbye and start life afresh. I don’t know where, I don’t know when, but I do know that I must. Need to sort out things on the professional front, need to streamline things on all the loans that need to be repaid.
Have to run… go far away from this city, its people, all the memories associated with this city that welcomes everyone and gives wings to their dreams. My dreams have only ended in nightmares that continue to plague my mind. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I can’t resort to stimulants that put me to sleep.
I need a new beginning – a Punarjanmam – stay tuned for more updates.
Amma was hospitalized three times for various complications.
We weathered the storms.
Akka helped each time by spending some time and helping Amma recover.
Conducted Language & Communication Workshop in a legendary college in Chennai
Despite having my own house, moved to a rented accommodation to facilitate easy access to the hospital.
Multiple weddings in the friends circle. KP’s wedding in Pondy. Gokoulane’s wedding in Thiruvotriyur.
Dr. Sai got engaged and it was a great feast 🙂 He is getting married in 45 days 🙂
Visited Thirunelveli and Thiruchendur and participated in the Holy Pushkaram of the Thamaraibharani river. Thanks to Bragadeesh.
Watched “96” in an old-world theatre in Thirunelveli 🙂
Tracked down a family in a village between Thirunelveli and Papanasam that makes and sells “theratti-pal” (a condensed milk sweet) and bought the sweet.
Saw “Joseph” – for me the best movie of 2019 – an investigative thriller with an unlikely hero.
My trust in large hospitals was lost and kind of regained. Still scared of most specialists… who have vastly divergent opinions.
Made it to a book-group meet and gifted books to some friends and also received books from them.
Year ended at the hospital again like the previous few years. No sign of deliverance. The battle continues.
Why is it that the heart still bleeds? Despite knowing very clearly, That this was never meant to be; Why like a fool, Did I even dare, To walk up to you?
Despite knowing with all my powers, That I am a loser and a failure, And you would mock me for sure, Why did I even choose to ask? Once a fool, always a fool. This is the irony of life.
All I did was make, An enemy for life, How fickle is the mind? All it does is take one, One idiotic moment, To ruin everything!
Bitterness is all that remains, It increases in quantum, With every passing moment, And nothing placates the anguish, The pain within that burns the heart. No end to this foolish charade…., no end at all!!!
It is about five minutes past four in the afternoon or early evening, as I sit down to type this. A lot has happened in the last two months. Equations have changed, daggers drawn, daggers sheathed back, trust broken, trust regained, friends lost, friends gained, friends lost forever. It has been a strange two months, in more ways than one. I have shifted jobs after nearly six years of service in one organisation. At the new place of work, there is a lot to learn and implement, gain the trust and respect of colleagues, plan things, get work done, a lot of trust has been placed upon me and every single time from day one, the biggest fear has been that I will let down the ones who trust me the most. For all that I remember, the fear of failure and ridicule has driven me a lot in everything that I have done for the longest time that I can remember. I have been pushed to the corner literally and figuratively many a time and I have overcome challenges to focus on life.
This year so far has drained me out tremendously, I started the year with hope that I would set things right on the personal front, but everything that I do has returned to torment me like an evil nightmare that never stops. I thought I made peace with my past, but by some weird coincidence a bit of my past comes back and again I have to run, speak to people, calm things down. Friends have always appreciated my phenomenal memory power, but I seem to be forgetting a lot. The day I saw “Thanmatra” I was sure that I would go down Rameshan Nair’s way and like a weird premonition the memory lapses are recurring, a favourite book, a movie or a song, or an answer to a question or an important phone number, things are fading. The mirror does not lie, I try to run a bit the knees hurt, gradual exercise, patient breathing, controlled diet, nothing works, the waist expands like India’s economic debt.
For over 20 years, I have believed that I will write a novel of consequence, something that will be a treasured piece, but all I have managed to do is create a pseudo-aura of a pontificating puritan who just finds errors in what others write. When others come to me for advice, I wonder – “What do you see in me; that ensures you that you have come to the right person?” – I keep these thoughts to myself and help others.
No point in harping about Amma as she keeps vacillating between ill, very ill and forever bossing me around to get things done at home! One fine day, I am just going to stop, point at the sky, say “God told me to stop listening to you”, look at her and say, “I have a life as well”. As you know very well, all this is imagination and will never turn to reality.
Externally everything seems fine, but internally there is a deep-rooted melancholy at the inevitable tragedy that the visions foretell.
Come September,
Come embrace me,
In your comfort,
Far away in a world,
Where light and cheer spreads,
Flowers bloom and brooks babble,
Away from the madness,
Of the mundane chores,
Of an existential crisis,
And a battle for survival,
I hope to find peace.
Here’s wishing you a positive, fun-filled, productive and awesome September!
Teerthadanam 