Status Update

I sought pardon,

For my sins,

In lives gone by,

And this existence.

I found refuge,

In temples, mosques,

Monasteries and churches.

In mountains and caves,

In rainforests in the heart of darkness.

Rituals and ceremonies,

To appease the higher power,

Whichever name you choose to ascribe.

The tests and struggles that everyone faces!

Either makes them stronger or breaks them down.

Every single time when I hit trough bottom.

I fought, for I believed, I had a chance.

An obligation to survive, because I was accountable to my mother.

To make her world and life as happy as possible.

Today, as I observe her in a drug-induced stupor.

We fight ailments known and unknown.

I am powerless to help her,

All I can do is to take her to hospitals.

Follow medication and diets as prescribed.

Still there is no clear solution.

No proper answers, the battle,

For a good night’s sleep,

Was lost long ago!

I keep my eyes shut tight.

But the ears remain steady,

Waiting for the slightest moan or cry.

I don’t know what I have turned into.

A robot who mechanically,

Continues to go about his chores.

My employers have been patient.

Helping in anyway possible.

Friends, a handful, call or message.

Fragments of a family scattered around the world.

A few good souls still keep in touch.

What lies next? I don’t know,

The charade of positivity,

Of hope and good things,

All remain mere masks.

I hope I find answers.

I hope things change, for the better.

I have just one reason left,

To continue this struggle.

As that reason too, disintegrates,

Bit-by-bit, cell-by-cell.

The tunnel of darkness,

Seems to beckon me.

If tomorrow comes.

We shall meet again.

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Everyone Leaves

Eventually, we bid goodbye,

To friends, family, loved ones,

Treasured possessions, jobs, colleagues,

Books, pets, memories,

We bid goodbye!

The parting at times, is pleasant!

Most often it is extremely bitter!

Eventually it all boils down,

To one pertinent question.

Did you make a positive difference,

In anybody’s life, with your words and deeds?

Did you just take,

Without sharing and giving?

Everyone leaves,

One day or the other,

Everyone leaves us!

Someday we will also leave,

Everyone else, leaving memories,

Of times well-spent and of angry spats.

Eventually we all bid goodbye to each other!

 

Of Questions and Answers!

Where are the answers?
My questions,
Do they even reach you?
My prayers – do they,
Have any conceivable value?
Is not the price,
That I continue to pay,
Every passing moment,
Sufficient proof,
Of my loyalty to you?

The clock continues,
To do its duty.
It ticks, every second,
Joining hands to make a minute.
The minutes turn into hours,
The hours into day and night.
But I remain clueless,
Without any answers!

Gently the light,
Of the setting sun,
Seems to caress,
The gaps between,
The curtains, twilight is upon us.
We seem to have nothing,
Constructive to do,
Destruction, death, illness and rot,
Of the body and the soul,
That’s all that remains.

Of people, busy in their,
Own little cocoons,
Glued to the notifications,
That pop in and out,
Glowing in coloured hues,
On their smartphones.
In this mad-rush of humanity,
Somewhere, someone, has the answers,
To all my questions!!!

Rains, tears, times, friendships lost!

How a year changes things?
Friends no longer friends,
Blocked, banned, ignored,
Wiped, scorned and deleted.
It pains me to no end,

Why? Why? Why would I,
Invest so much in a friendship,
Emotions, love, respect, time.
And why is it that people,
Can get so easily influenced,
And judge me with such remarkable ease!

We all pay for our sins,
I fully agree to the theory,
But where is that I went wrong?
At least give me a clear answer,
Tell me why my friendship,
Is no longer of consequence,
In any way to you!

Don’t I even owe the courtesy,
Of at least knowing,
What is it that I said,
Or I did, sparked of anger,
Such intense and heated,
That I do not even,
Merit worthiness of a reply,
From you!! I have no answers.

I continue to be losing people,
One after the other,
The ones that I have trusted,
The most – have always,
Managed to let me down,
The most, without fail.
I look at myself,
And wonder, with so many losses,
Well – It is I who am to blame.

Yes, that is the only answer.
Clear as sunshine,
I am the one who is flawed,
I do not deserve,
Your friendship,
Or of others, who worship you.
For I am a negative influence,
Who preys on unsuspecting minds.
So it is best for me to just shut up.
And smile, and pretend that – “All is Well”.

 

The Butterfly and the Poet

Where did this journey start?
Well the scribbles on the wall,
When I was just a toddler,
Growing into the kid,
Who ate the chalk,
With which he was supposed to write!
That’s the one – I believe!

One writes as it is a part of life.
The emotions bottled up within,
Need to find an outlet,
Gratification by others plays a small part.
The writer writes,
For he is like the butterfly in love,
That knows it has a short life span,
But is still madly in love!

The poet writes,
Knowing he is a failure,
A dejected, rejected, forlorn,
Individual, seeking comfort,
In memories of a love,
That never was,
Friends who have long ago,
Forgotten him and gone on,
To achieve success and glory.

The poet sits,
Looking at the notebook,
The fountain pen,
No longer oozes ink,
Just blood…
Life goes on..

We write, because we need to write!

A Ronin in the Twilight

 

ronin

Image Courtesy — Myth-Weavers

Tried to run a bit,

Gasped for breath,

Attempted to do push-ups,

Fell flat on the floor,

Thankfully nose did not get crushed,

Aimed to handle some weights,

Every muscle is stinging in pain.

The mirrors that are placed,

In the gym as walls,

Stare back at me – taunting,

Mocking me with scorn.

I wonder – what am I doing?

Was this the same individual?

How did so many disconnected incidents,

Turn to conspire and join hands,

To break me into this hopeless nut-case.

The gloves that used to adorn the hands,

Lie sealed in a cover,

There are a truckload of memories,

They all come rushing back.

The pain, the anguish, the scars,

That adorn the body, like laurels,

Burn at times, kindling a violent life,

That I keep running away from,

How long, how far, till what point?

Nothing makes sense,

I sought to find comfort in the written word,

That too evades the faculties,

If the body feels tired,

The mind weakens with scarier intensity,

I dread the day, when I will board,

The wrong train and land in some remote village.

There was a time,

When I would finish a novel in a day,

Now reading one book,

Requires immense patience,

Distractions are too many,

Worries and fears cloud the mind,

Nothing gives joy, nothing offers light.

There has to be a way,

To break free of all this chaos.

What was the point?

Of penning all this down?

I am as clueless as you are!!!!

Till we meet again,

If we do meet again,

Sending all of you prayers and good wishes!